Mike² Inc.

Utilizing the concept from the Matrix movies of an inexhaustible power supply of cows in a suspended animation/Virtual Reality state. This supercomputer of networked Bovine minds will be used to help power other initiatives such as the B.A.D. technology.

In order to avoid the threat of a cow equivalent of “Neo”, rebellious subjects will be immediately removed and slaughtered for use at the Ukrainian Restaurant. i.e. “The One Burger”

The team of midgets already on hand for Giggety Inc’s mobile midget wrestling project would be hired on their “off time” to guard the cargo areas of tour buses (see link below).

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,324553,00.html

Network Security Darts

1. First player to block all listed Well-Known ports wins.
2. Players block ports by adding together the values of their hits. The resulting value is the port number.
3. Kick the asses of whatever hardcorp nerds we find actually playing this game. (Added for BDM’s benefit)

[PORTS]
7
21
22
23
25
49
53
63
69
80
88
105
123
137
138
139
161
179

PoE auto-negotiating voltage protocol. Plug a device into a Power-over-ethernet switch and during boot-up, the switch auto-negotiates the voltage levels to send to that device. This allows for devices ranging from small IP phones to desktop systems to draw power from the network infrastructure already in place.

SIDE-NOTE: Due to Cisco’s “quality” implementation of auto-negotiate features in the past, I predict a corollary market for fire-suppression systems and insurance premiums.

VPware (Virtual People)
Logical Cloning

A “Logical” copy is made of a physical employee. Then, through the reality
modifying effects of PowerPoint organization charts, the “Logical Clone” is
then placed in a billet that needs to be filled. This creates an “talent
surplus” within organization allowing more “logical” work to be done with
fewer “physical” employees.

InstaGone 5000! Multi-purpose disposal unit. (TS-rated)

A Top Secret rated industrial wood-chipper/de-gauser/Smelting-furnice for
the easy destruction of massive amounts of documentation, paperwork, and/or
whole desktop systems. The opening has metal coils that erase all
magnetically stored information, which then falls into the beastly
industrial and Trademarked Mincing TS-Rated Blades of Doom (MTSRBOD:
pronounced Mr. Bod), any remaining microscopic pieces left from this
mulching process are then passed into a portable smelting furnace which
either turns metal objects into bricks of ore for reselling or for
non-metallic objects turns them into bricks of carbon which are then
spray-painted to look like metal ore and sold as such.

We at MikeCo are very excited about some of our upcoming initiatives and
wish to keep you, our valued partners, informed so that you may share in our
excitement. Following is a list of planned projects currently added to our
overall business strategy. As always, please provide your valued feedback to
our Suggestion Coordination Center at devnull@mikeco.org Thank you and have
an outstanding MikeCo day!

-ASCIIcel (another super addition to our growing ASCIIOffice Suite)
Spreadsheet Application utilizing ASCII art to display and organize
information. As such, an otherwise mildly confusing presentation of numbers
and accounting information is obfusticated to such a level as to rival RSA
encryption standards.

-MIOS(Marine Internet Operating System)
IOS converted into Marine Speak. i.e. “Do you wish to reload the router now?
YES/NO?” would be “Reload, make condition 4 router: gtg?” (utilizes the
proprietary Marine Speak Translation API)

-Midget Based Weaponry Systems
Midgets wearing spiked German Helmets can either be self-propelled and run
up to the targets or fired from a proprietary artillery cannon. A Humvee
mounted version is currently being developed.

-Suggestion Coordination Center Server 2009
A server platform solution for increasing the synergy dynamic within the
framework of a companies Employee Suggestion policy infrastructure.
Employees can login and submit valuable feedback on initiatives and other
company policies.

The server runs on a proprietary linux kernel, specially modified for the
most efficient handling of this task. A small partition handles the actual
web interface, while all input is automatically stored in our special
/dev/null partition. This technique saves thousands of dollars on
unnecessary storage space.

This one came about while trying to call AT&T wireless–

Here is how the MikeCo “Customer Care” line will work.

If a customer has a “problem” with one of our services/products, they can
call the “Customer Care” line.  They will be greeted by a chipper,
high-pitched female voice listing our options:

1- Report problems with the BASTARD (leads to an infinite loop of
menus(ILM))
2- Report problems with your Hood Scoop (ILM)
3- Report problems with your midget security guard (ILM)
4- Report problems with your Hot Swappable Liver (ILM, also recommends that
the customer stop consuming alcohol and dial 911 if this is an emergency)
5- Report problems with your Infinite Loop of Menus (leads to an ILM)
6- If you are dis-satisfied with your MikeCo customer service experience we
offer two options:
1- We will send a MikeCo employee to your residence so that you can
punch him/her in the face.  This is a free service offered by MikeCo.     (the
job of being punched in the face will be shared by all employees     and
will be rotated every week along with the duty cell phone)
2- Gold subscribers get the option to detonate a small nuclear
device     somewhere in the Sahara Dessert. (While this will not accomplish
anything it will make customers feel better)

Of course, anytime someone is on hold they will need to hear something.  We
will have the same chipper, high-pitched female voice raving about the great
qualities of all MikeCo products…..then the sound of her being run down by
a speeding freight train.

MikeCo’s Guide to Driving in Germany: 1st Edition

Driving in any foreign country can be quite an intimidating experience. So in an effort to allay any fears or reservations you may have, I’ve compiled a short list of six quick tips aimed at familiarizing you with common German roadway customs that I’ve discovered. With these in mind you’ll be able to kick back, relax, and blend in with the natural flow of traffic and enjoy the journey to wherever your travels may take you in Deutschland.

1. Merging into Traffic – When pulling out from either a parking space or adjacent roadway, it’s customary to pull out at least one half car length into the lane perpendicular to your own. Oncoming traffic may then easily be identified by the massive pile-up slightly before the area you are attempting to merge on to. As soon as you hear either honking or screeching brakes it is then safe to pull out completely and merge into what remains of the normal flow of traffic.

2. Passing – So long as the car directly in front of you is driving slower then the result of the following equation [(your car's horsepower / 2) + 60] then it is not only permissible to pass but also your duty as a responsible participant among the German roadways. Once determining it is your right to pass, you may then proceed. Oncoming traffic will of course realize your obligation to pass slower moving objects and swerve accordingly in order to allow you passage.

3. Pedestrian Crossings – There is perhaps nothing (outside of wursts and beer that is!) that Germans relish more then a good game of chicken; particularly in cases involving a motor vehicle vs. a pedestrian. Such odds are seen as sporting. If the pedestrian has made it to the middle of the street by the time you approach you are to of course yield the right of way. However, if they are still dawdling on the roadway within a half a meter or so of the curb, the game is yours. The prompt display of victory demonstrated by a sudden increase in acceleration is usually customary.

4. Taking Narrow Curves – Due to the significant decrease in visibility presented by sharply curving streets, it is necessary to get around them as fast as possible in order to regain clear visibility and maintain safe road conditions. If the driver deems it prudent, veering into the middle of the road while making the high-speed turn is also advisable as the extra maneuvering room can come in quite handy. Oncoming traffic is assumed to have realized this and to have found an alternate route.

5. Stopping – Stopping on German roadways for whatever reason is generally frowned upon and seen as quite rude. If a slight pause or decrease in speed is required in order to make a turn and there is traffic behind you, it is recommended to just keep going and find a more accommodating turnoff point rather then hold up traffic. If while waiting to merge into a lane that is backed up, you happen to block a lane of traffic that has a green light….well….that’s where health insurance and a good sense of humor about life come in I suppose. Just remember, when in doubt, keep your foot on the gas.

6. Parking – Although most foreigners may assume it’s some sort of institutional joke, there are in fact regulations governing the parking of your vehicle. First and foremost is an observance of the basic principle behind Tip #5; any obstruction to the flow of traffic is very sternly frowned upon. Aside from that anything is fair game; to include spaces in which the commonly held principles of modern physics may dictate it an impossibility to fit into. German culture embraces creativity, especially where parking is concerned. Just try not to look to conspicuous.

NOTE: Due to the semi-obvious nature of the following tip, it was deemed unworthy of a formal numeric listing. However, the actions of certain individuals has necessitated it’s inclusion in some form. Pedestrian walkways are usually set aside for Pedestrian use and are in fact not short cuts. They may usually be recognized by not being large enough to admit a car and marked by blue signs with silhouettes of people.