Mike² Inc.

The JW Drinking Game enjoys a long and illustrious history as being the quickest, most efficient way of inducing alcohol poisoning among a given group of people. Some rumors have placed it as the reason behind the Hot-Swappable Livers product line, as the participants were frequently falling victim to severe liver complications after only a few rounds of the game.

The earliest recorded occurrence was the infamous “Montana” variation of 2007. So called because the players would drink every time the state name was mentioned by JW. However this variation quickly fell out of use for several reasons; the foremost being that it was rather difficult to keep up forcing players to chug their drinks outright in an effort to not fall behind, and secondly because JW soon became aware of the key word thus removing the sport in it.

Other variations include references to MCEN policy circa 1990’s, utterances of “OH FUCK NO!!!”, or other such verbal outbursts. Prospective players are warned that they participate at their own risk.

Utilizing the concept from the Matrix movies of an inexhaustible power supply of cows in a suspended animation/Virtual Reality state. This supercomputer of networked Bovine minds will be used to help power other initiatives such as the B.A.D. technology.

In order to avoid the threat of a cow equivalent of “Neo”, rebellious subjects will be immediately removed and slaughtered for use at the Ukrainian Restaurant. i.e. “The One Burger”

The team of midgets already on hand for Giggety Inc’s mobile midget wrestling project would be hired on their “off time” to guard the cargo areas of tour buses (see link below).

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,324553,00.html

Network Security Darts

1. First player to block all listed Well-Known ports wins.
2. Players block ports by adding together the values of their hits. The resulting value is the port number.
3. Kick the asses of whatever hardcorp nerds we find actually playing this game. (Added for BDM’s benefit)

[PORTS]
7
21
22
23
25
49
53
63
69
80
88
105
123
137
138
139
161
179

PoE auto-negotiating voltage protocol. Plug a device into a Power-over-ethernet switch and during boot-up, the switch auto-negotiates the voltage levels to send to that device. This allows for devices ranging from small IP phones to desktop systems to draw power from the network infrastructure already in place.

SIDE-NOTE: Due to Cisco’s “quality” implementation of auto-negotiate features in the past, I predict a corollary market for fire-suppression systems and insurance premiums.

VPware (Virtual People)
Logical Cloning

A “Logical” copy is made of a physical employee. Then, through the reality
modifying effects of PowerPoint organization charts, the “Logical Clone” is
then placed in a billet that needs to be filled. This creates an “talent
surplus” within organization allowing more “logical” work to be done with
fewer “physical” employees.

MikeCo has now officially branched out into providing highly skilled
contractors that can enable any company to maximize their synergy potential!
We’re excited to offer the following service:

Delegation Technicians (Levels I/II/III)

The role of a Delegation Technician is one whose sole responsibility
is to have their responsibilities delegated to other technicians within the
organization. While this may seem paradoxical at first, by subverting
reality through a unique (and patented!) manipulation of a space/time by
means of PowerPoint slides, it has not only consistently proven possible but
highly lucrative as well!
Some may question whether any actual value is added to an
organization wishing to utilize Delegation Technicians. However, we at
MikeCo believe that since space/time and indeed reality itself have been
perverted….er “corrected” to such a wild degree through our Reality
Modifying PowerPoint Presentations (RMPPP) that any attempt at obtaining
performance metrics would be futile and detrimental to current operating
efficiency. The benefit is thus self-apparent and any efficiency minded
organization would certainly value by immediate implementation of this
strategic vision.

InstaGone 5000! Multi-purpose disposal unit. (TS-rated)

A Top Secret rated industrial wood-chipper/de-gauser/Smelting-furnice for
the easy destruction of massive amounts of documentation, paperwork, and/or
whole desktop systems. The opening has metal coils that erase all
magnetically stored information, which then falls into the beastly
industrial and Trademarked Mincing TS-Rated Blades of Doom (MTSRBOD:
pronounced Mr. Bod), any remaining microscopic pieces left from this
mulching process are then passed into a portable smelting furnace which
either turns metal objects into bricks of ore for reselling or for
non-metallic objects turns them into bricks of carbon which are then
spray-painted to look like metal ore and sold as such.

We at MikeCo are very excited about some of our upcoming initiatives and
wish to keep you, our valued partners, informed so that you may share in our
excitement. Following is a list of planned projects currently added to our
overall business strategy. As always, please provide your valued feedback to
our Suggestion Coordination Center at devnull@mikeco.org Thank you and have
an outstanding MikeCo day!

-ASCIIcel (another super addition to our growing ASCIIOffice Suite)
Spreadsheet Application utilizing ASCII art to display and organize
information. As such, an otherwise mildly confusing presentation of numbers
and accounting information is obfusticated to such a level as to rival RSA
encryption standards.

-MIOS(Marine Internet Operating System)
IOS converted into Marine Speak. i.e. “Do you wish to reload the router now?
YES/NO?” would be “Reload, make condition 4 router: gtg?” (utilizes the
proprietary Marine Speak Translation API)

-Midget Based Weaponry Systems
Midgets wearing spiked German Helmets can either be self-propelled and run
up to the targets or fired from a proprietary artillery cannon. A Humvee
mounted version is currently being developed.

-Suggestion Coordination Center Server 2009
A server platform solution for increasing the synergy dynamic within the
framework of a companies Employee Suggestion policy infrastructure.
Employees can login and submit valuable feedback on initiatives and other
company policies.

The server runs on a proprietary linux kernel, specially modified for the
most efficient handling of this task. A small partition handles the actual
web interface, while all input is automatically stored in our special
/dev/null partition. This technique saves thousands of dollars on
unnecessary storage space.

This one came about while trying to call AT&T wireless–

Here is how the MikeCo “Customer Care” line will work.

If a customer has a “problem” with one of our services/products, they can
call the “Customer Care” line.  They will be greeted by a chipper,
high-pitched female voice listing our options:

1- Report problems with the BASTARD (leads to an infinite loop of
menus(ILM))
2- Report problems with your Hood Scoop (ILM)
3- Report problems with your midget security guard (ILM)
4- Report problems with your Hot Swappable Liver (ILM, also recommends that
the customer stop consuming alcohol and dial 911 if this is an emergency)
5- Report problems with your Infinite Loop of Menus (leads to an ILM)
6- If you are dis-satisfied with your MikeCo customer service experience we
offer two options:
1- We will send a MikeCo employee to your residence so that you can
punch him/her in the face.  This is a free service offered by MikeCo.     (the
job of being punched in the face will be shared by all employees     and
will be rotated every week along with the duty cell phone)
2- Gold subscribers get the option to detonate a small nuclear
device     somewhere in the Sahara Dessert. (While this will not accomplish
anything it will make customers feel better)

Of course, anytime someone is on hold they will need to hear something.  We
will have the same chipper, high-pitched female voice raving about the great
qualities of all MikeCo products…..then the sound of her being run down by
a speeding freight train.