ASCIIoffice
ASCIIoffice is a bold new step into the future of business productivity suites. Based upon our advanced proprietary ASCII art graphics engine, the ASCIIoffice user experience is rendered completely in ASCII art. Exciting research shows that the time of the GUI is over, as the paradigm shifts to the ASCII User Interface, or AUI. (pronounced ow-ee, as in “OH GOD MY EYES, OWW-EEEEE!!!!”)
Note: Studies are inconclusive as to whether user exposure to our ASCII art interface was actually responsible for prompting the above response from our initial customer focus groups. It’s entirely possible they just had a contact lens malfunction.)
ASCIIcel
ASCIIcel is the Spreadsheet Application utilizing our patented ASCII art to display and organize your companies most critical information such as accounting irregularities, employee data, off-shore bank accounts, and more! Thanks to the vast amount of memory allocations freed up from the intensive requirements demanded by conventional GUI’s, ASCIIcel can support 4.8^80 rows and columns; an amount mind-bogglingly more then any other spreadsheet application currently on the market! (Windows Vista Users: due to a memory handling exception within VISTA, only the first two columns can actually be used.)
Because of the unique implementation of ASCII art alongside the regular user input and the inline display of spreadsheet formulas, an otherwise mildly confusing presentation of numbers and accounting information is obfusticated to such a level as to rival current RSA encryption standards, making it the premier choice for such demanding clientèle as Enron and Worldcomm. Due to this “feature” however, ASCIIcel may not be exported or sold overseas in compliance with national security policies.
Note from webmaster: seriously though, if you want a copy send me an email with an offer, they ain’t paying me enough for this bullshit.